The Czar Problem & the Solution

Over at the Cave yesterday, a post made mention of a growing pest problem in our Nation's Capital. (Czar We There Yet? ) Cavey went on to point out some of the various species of Czar that have been spotted so far; Drug Czar, Energy and Environment Czar, Homeland Security Czar, Health Czar, Urban Affairs Czar, Economic Czar, Regulatory Czar, Technology Czar, Government Performance Czar, Border Czar, WMD Policy Czar, Intelligence Czar, Car Czar, Great Lakes Czar & Cyber Czar.

This invasion of the czars promise to make life miserable for not only the DC area but all 50 States, the 2 Commonwealths as well as our territories. Unfortunately, they are invulnerable to all known methods of pest control.

The good news is that someone has come up with a solution that will keep them so busy that they won't have time to make the rest of us miserable. Matthew Archbold @ Creative Minority Report Productions has come up with a new reality show that promises to be a ratings hit:

Dancing with the Czars

Here is the official press release:

In what is sure to become a weekly viewing tradition for Americans, ABC announces its newest can't-miss reality show starring President Obama's 17 Czars.

Dancing with the Czars! will introduce America to a motley groups of Latinos, blacks, women, homosexuals (some still in the closet!) and even some regular old white males as they face new challenges! and new evictions! each week.

Here's how the game works: The Czars will all live together in a 1 1/2 bathroom 4 bedroom modest brownstone in Washington D.C., where all of the players will compete for the attention and affection of Obama.

They'll try to overcome challenges like riding a two person bicycle with Ed Begley Jr. vs. the original cast of Starsky and Hutch, and endure public humiliating background checks.

And there will be a number of cringe worthy competitions including having the Czar give a speech on a topic he/she knows nothing about in front of thousands of people when the teleprompter suddenly breaks. Whichever Czar can speak but say nothing for the longest amount of time wins.

But most of all, there will be dancing! Oh yes. All the sequins and sparkles and distractions you've come to love in other dancing shows are here. The Czars will each showcase their dancing skills including the Potomac two-step, the spin, the hustle, the quick step.

At the end of each episode, all the czars will stand to be judged before President Obama in the Oval Office and Obama will decide along with the panel of celebrity judges who has to leave. Obama gets 51% of the vote (because he won!) while the judges get 49% of the vote.

When Obama sends the Czars home, his catchphrase (which is sure to catch on across the nation!) will be..."This job is above your pay grade."

Obama has decided he doesn't like the terms "losers" so this show calls them all Runner-ups. And the runner-ups are either demoted to cabinet positions, forced to become personal aides to Barney Frank, or have to appear on Big Brother with Joe Biden.

And ever week and every competition leads us all closer to the show's finale, when President Obama and the celebrity judges decide which Czar gets to nationalize the industry of their choice.

So all bets are off as to who will emerge from Dancing with the Czars victorious!

(This show is real and none of the outcomes are decided in advance except that the winner must be a minority female.)

God willing this show will run until 6 November 2012 when the American voters will decide to vote them all off the island. As long as it runs, the rest of us are safe.