Dave Berry's Annual Gift Guide 2006 Edition

Good news for all you fans of Dave Berry who miss his regular columns, he has come out with his 2006 Gift Guide. & as usual he has spared no expense, or sanity for that matter, to see that the Gift Guide Strategic Holiday Command Center fullfills its mission. & what is that mission? As he states in the article: "to assemble a roster of gift concepts that no actual human being could possibly need; gift concepts that not only surprise the recipients, but sometimes cause them to sprint to the bathroom."

So how do they go about accomplishing that mission? As he puts it: "We find these items through an exhausting and highly demanding process that we call ''reading our e-mail.'' Throughout the year, people from all over the earth and beyond send us gift suggestions. We pore over these for several minutes until we have found the items that meet our exacting Gift Guide standards."

This leads to the next question: "What are these standards?"

STANDARD ONE: The item has to, physically, exist. All of the items in the Holiday Gift Guide are real.

STANDARD TWO: The item has to be something that we can talk The Miami Herald into paying for.

STANDARD THREE: We do not walk around all day wearing one of those blinking cellphone earpieces, because those things look stupid, especially if you are not talking to anybody. (This standard has nothing to do with the Holiday Gift Guide, but we believe it is important.)

STANDARD FOUR: Standard Four has been eliminated for cost-cutting reasons.

I am happy to report that Dave Berry succeeds in living up (down?) to the anything but exacting standards. He has come up with 14 great items that are guarenteed to bring a smile to your face & warm the cockles of your heart, unless you are the recepient of 1 of these gifts, then all bets are off.

So what are the gifts. Here is the list (linked to the section of the article so you can read more):

Cruzin Cooler

Custom-Printed Toilet paper

Butthead Game

Camo Cough Silencer

Toilet Monster

Disguised Nasal Hair Trimming Finger

The Birds-Away Attack Spider

Marie Antoinette Action Figure

Motorized Ice Cream Cone

The Great Big World of Nematodes Coloring Book

Pee-Pee Teepees

Electronic Message Brassiere

Snow-Thrower Cab

Earshadze

It is hard for me to say which 1 of his choices is my favorite. As I said, he has found some really great items for the list. But there are a few of contenders fr the #1 spot. They are the Motorized Ice Cream Cone, the Maria Antoinette Action Figure & the Custom-Printed TP. The winner of the Tackiest Gift of the Year would have to go to the Electronic Message Brassiere. My friends can rest assured that, unless the express sincere interest in 1 of the above gifts, that I will definitely not be getting them any of them. & if they do express interest? . . . .

I wish Dave Berry would go back to writing a regular column. I sorely miss him. But this article shows that he hasn't lost any of that sharp edge of his. You will definitely enjoy this column in its entirety on the Miami Herald website.

(NOTE: The above quotes from Dave Berry are copyrighted. All rights are reserved. The quotes & links are used, to the best of my understanding & ability, in accordance with the Terms of Use #2 found on the Miami Herald website.)