We Need a TV Network Like This

Matthew of The Shrine of the Holy Whapping has way too much time on his hands. So he came up with this idea for a new Network. Except for EWTN it beats anything that is out there.

Holy Whapping Television Network (HWTN)

Schedule, Week of January 28-February 3, 2007

SUNDAY

8:00 PM. The Wonderful World of Scola Presents King Solomon's Mimes. The well-known cardinal introduces this showing of the classic adventure tale of love, death, lost gold, white greasepaint and really awful experimental liturgical dance. Starring Marcel Marceau as Alan Quatermain and vice versa.

10:30 PM. The Office. Sparks fly this week as Msgr. La Fontaine hatches a sure-to-backfire plot to stop Pope Pius's latest dangerous plan to authorize the printing of the Psalms in a separate section, rather than with all the other rubrics. America just can't get enough of this new sitcom, inspired by comedic shenanighans of the the 1911-1913 commission to reform the Roman Breviary.

MONDAY

8:00 PM. Desperate Hapsburgs. Empress Elisabeth suffers a nervous breakdown and refuses to leave the state apartments when her hairdresser is arrested for possession of illegal narcotics, and therefore can't spend the requisite three hours on her latest 'do.

9:00 PM. The O.C. (O. Carm.) Surfing Carmelite friars cope with the labyrinthine turns of the southern Californian ecclesiastical hierarchy. Insert obvious Mahoney joke here.

10:00 PM. Father Ted. Rerun.

TUESDAY

8:00 PM. The Bob Bellarmine Show. Bob has a crisis on his hands when wacky next-door neighbor Howard Galilei (with his nutty astronomy theories) just won't leave him alone at mealtimes. With Suzanne Pleshette as Sister Emilia and Urban VIII as Peter Bonerz.

8:30 PM. The Trastamara Family. Tango-crazed Ferdinand (John Astin) and Isabella (Carolyn Jones) wonder what all the fuss is when daughter Juana la Loca's (Lisa Loring) schoolteacher complains that the girl won't let go of her husband Archduke Philip the Handsome. Except he's dead. Also starring Jackie Coogan as Uncle Ximenes and Philip the Bewitched as Cousin Itt, with Ted Cassidy as family retainer Llurch.

9:00 PM. Monk. Obsessive. Compulsive. Discalced. Detective. Today's episode: Fr. Monk Does the Lavabo and Prolongs Mass for Three Extra Hours. Starring Tony Shalhoub.

10:00 PM. Father Ted: The College Years. With Dustin Diamond as Fr. Noel Furlong. Rerun.

WEDNESDAY

8:00 PM. Wednesday Night Movie: Die Gebrüder Blau. Georg and Joseph are on a mission from God, and they won't be caught, at least if their choir gig at Regensburg Cathedral is going to get enough cash to keep the orphanage open. "Ist 106 kilometers to Munich, ve haf a full tank of gas, half ein pack of cigarettes, ist dark and ve are wearing ze sunglasses." "Hit it." With Ingrid Stampa as Sister Mary Stigmata. (Subtitled. In Latin.)

10:00 PM. Claymore Girls. The new dramedy about Mary of Guise and her daughter, Mary, Queen of Scots. A well-matched mother-and-daughter team (Lauren Graham and Alexis Bledel) in 16th century Edinburgh drink massive amounts of coffee, trade witticisms (sadly incomprehensible in Broad Scots) and have occasional dull forays into soapy subplots involving Lord Darnley, as well as a few jokes at the expense of Al's Haggis World down the street.

10:30 PM. Father Ted: CSI. Rerun.

THURSDAY

8:00 PM. National Geographic Presents Travels with Rex Mottram. Rex visits the Sacred Monkey cage at the Vatican.

9:00 PM. Special Live Broadcast: Karaoke Night at the Apostolic Palace. Guest judges: Cardinal Medina Estevez, Hans Küng, Sister Marie Keyrouz and the late Carlo Gesualdo.

10:30 PM. Father Ted: CSI: Miami. Rerun.

FRIDAY

8:00 PM. Friday Night Movie Special: Flying Jebbies, Hidden Wires. Francis Xavier (Jackie Chan) kicks Protestant butt on his return from the Orient after secretly mastering and Catholicizing the mystical art of Shaolin kung-fu. With Owen Wilson as Stanislaus Kostka. (Sequel to Ignacio Libre, the true-life story of Ignatius of Loyola's heretofore unknown career in Mexican wrestling circles).

10:00. Father Ted: NCIS. Rerun.

SATURDAY

8:00 PM. Law and Order: Ted Crilley. On Craggy Island, the people are irritated by two separate but equally important groups. The priests, who are too busy practicing for the EuroSong Contest to be effective, and the oddball assortment of homicidal oversexed milkmen, power-mad beach hut proprietors, and brainless popstars, who are simply too weird for words. In tonight's episode, a beleaguered village constable brings in Sam Waterston to sort out the mystery of the old grey whistle theft. Dougal gets unsettled by the constant black title cards with captions and the weird electronic theme music.

9:00 PM. Domers: The Soap Opera. Mary is distraught because her roommate Mary Louisa has snagged her ex-boyfriend for the upcoming dance at St. Mary's College, except he's already promised Mary Katherine that he'd go watch The Bells of St. Mary's; meanwhile, Mary Liz and Mary Mary study frantically for the matching test about Mary Tudor, Mary Queen of Scots and Mary of Guise, dumped on them at the last minute by evil history TA Mary Pat. We are also introduced to exchange student Marie, with her outlandish claim of just having had a vision of St. Josemaria out back of St. Mary's Lake.

10:00 PM. Bill! "Vot you zee ist vot you get!" Breaking controversial new ground Bill! is the only variety show on television to be hosted by a dead Hohenzollern. Tedious acts will be summarily executed by firing squad. Tonight's show features Eisheim the Illusionist; Crown Prince Rudolf and his magic bullet catch; Bismarck's feats of dexterity as he juggles three Indian clubs, a banana and the Russo-German Reinsurance Treaty of 1890; a Cardinal Merry del Valle look-alike contest; and musical guest Franz Ferdinand. The archduke, not the band. He does a mean comb-and-wax-paper.

11:00 PM. Late Night Compline with George William Rutler. Tonight's hour of homiletical wit features a special appearance by Fr. Uwe-Michael Lang, promoting his new book Mass: The Worst-Case Survival Manual. Musical guest: The Tallis Scholars.