USCCB Approves New Lenten Regulations*

*If some people could have their way, that is.

According to a post on Agnus Dei:

USCCB Approves New Lenten Regulations

LOS ANGELES, CA - The United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, in anticipation of the fast approaching Lenten season, has approved modifications to the fasting regulations observed by American Catholics. These changes were developed in hopes of encouraging greater participation by the Catholic faithful.

“American culture is dynamic, and changes often.” said Bishop Norman Raymond of Jacksonville, TN, “We as a Church must adapt to these shifts in order to increase the participation of the laity.”

The modified regulations consist of the following:

1. Fasting on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday will consist of one full meal to sustain one’s strength. Two smaller meals are permitted according to one’s needs. A small dessert is also permitted to balance one’s glucose levels. Given the prudence of the person, one may consume one designer coffee beverage, and scone, in the morning of each respective fast day to prepare one’s soul for the rest of the day.

2. Catholics 14 years and older are bound to abstain from meat. Invalids, pregnant and nursing mothers, men who remain under the roof of their parents, and those who only attend Mass on Ash Wednesday, Christmas, and Easter are exempt.

3. On every Friday for the season of lent, the Western form of day time measurement will be substituted for the Jewish form. Fridays will end at sundown, ending the obligation to abstain from meat.

Traditional Catholics are outraged at the liberalization of the fasting regulations. “Why should we even have a Lent!?” exclaimed Margaret Lansing, a parishioner of St. Martha’s in Fontana, CA, “It’s a joke! I remember when we couldn’t eat one week prior to Lent starting. Then when Ash Wednesday came around, all drinking of liquids ceased until the next Friday. Sure many of us had kidney and liver failure, but what about the sacrifice!?”

The majority of Catholic Americans praise the new decisions by the USCCB, and would like to see an even less regulation of Lenten fasts. “What our leaders are doing is great!” said Gerald Reynolds, another St. Martha’s Parishioner, “Giving up things is tough. I like things, especially food, which God made so it must be good. That’s why I don’t want to give it up, because it’s good food.”

The expectations among most Catholics are that regulations in the coming years will loosen. However, when asked about the future of Lent, the USCCB declined to comment.

If you haven't figured out by now, this is just a joke. But the so-called rules are exactly how some people mis-interpret them.

Anyhow here are the real regulations (which amazingly enough you would think the US Conference of Catholic Bishops would have prominently posted on their website, but doesn't. It takes a diificult search through the Lent 2007 materials to even find it.) if you are a Latin Rite Catholic:

* Everyone 14 years of age or older is bound to abstain from meat on Ash Wednesday, all the Fridays of Lent and Good Friday.

* Everyone 18 or older, and under 59 years of age, is bound to fast on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday.

* On Ash Wednesday and Good Friday, only one full meatless meal is allowed. Two other meatless meals, sufficient to maintain strength, may be taken according to each one's needs, but together they should not equal another full meal. Eating between meals is not permitted, but liquids, including milk and fruit juices are allowed. When health or ability to work would be seriously affected, the law does not oblige.

* Catholics should not lightly excuse themselves from these prescribed minimal penitential practices.

* The special Paschal fast and abstinence are observed on Good Friday and, where possible, on Holy Saturday. On these days, Christians prepare themselves by these disciplines in anticipation of the renewal of their baptismal commitment on Easter.

As for those of the Eastern Catholic Churches here are your regulations for the season of Great Lent:

Simple Abstinence

Simple abstinence forbids the use of meat but not of eggs, dairy products or condiments made of animal fat.

Simple abstinence is observed on every Friday of Lent.

Although not obligatory, the faithful are encouraged to observe abstinence from meat on Wednesdays during this sacred penitential season.

Strict Abstinence

Strict Abstinence (fast) forbids the use of meat, eggs, and dairy products.

Facsimiles, substitutes, and synthetic derivatives violate the intention and spirit of the law of strict abstinence.

Strict Abstinence (fast) is observed on Pure Monday (the first day of the Lent) and on Good Friday.

Expectant/nursing mothers are exempt from the law of the strict fast.