Dave Barry Takes on 2006

As I've said before, I am a fan of Dave Barry & miss his columns. Thankfully he still pops up occasionally to give us his side of things. He has now spoken up on how he saw 2006 unfold: The year in review: From Pelosi to Pitt, perverts to Paris, Dave Barry offers a last laugh. & as usual he gets everything in the perspective it deserves. As he rightly puts it: "(T)here are many things about 2006 that we will not want to remember." Most of which are mentioned in the title of the article.

Q. Dave, what is your general overview of 2006?

Dave: "This was the year in which -- as clearly foretold in the Bible as a sign of the Apocalypse -- Howie Mandel got a hit TV show."

Q. If we can avoid the end of the world what will our grandchildren have to say about the issue the press found the most important?

Dave: "Future generations are going to look back at this era and ask us how we could have allowed Paris Hilton to happen, and we are not going to have a good answer."

Q. Seems like you view 2006 as a year of bad news only. Surely something good had to happen in 2006?

Dave: "Did anything good happen in 2006? Let me think. No. But before we move on to 2007, let's take a moment to reflect back on the historic events, real and imaginary, of this historic year."

Here are my favorites reflections:

JANUARY

". . . a month that dawns with petty partisan bickering in Washington, D.C., a place where many people view petty partisan bickering as honest, productive work, like making furniture."

"The other big focus of the bickering is the nomination of Samuel Alito to the Supreme Court. As always, the Senate Judiciary Committee hearings provide high-quality TV entertainment as the nation tunes in to see if Sen. Edward M. Kennedy will be able to successfully remember the nominee's name. "

FEBRUARY

"(T)he big sporting event is the Winter Olympics, a glorious quadrennial celebration of world-class virtuoso athletic accomplishment in sports nobody has ever heard of. Surprise winners include Latvia in the 500-kilometer Modified Nordic Combined; the Republic of Irvingkahnistan in the 2,300-meter Slavic Personified; and U.S. skier Bode Miller in Most Nike Commercials Featuring A Competitor Who, In the Actual Competitions, Mainly Falls Down."

MARCH

"In other science news, thrilled NASA astronomers, in what they describe as a ''smashing, surprising'' discovery, announce that they have found evidence of pockets of water beneath the surface of Enceladus, one of the moons of Saturn, which strongly suggests -- as has long been suspected -- that astronomers do not get out much."

JUNE

"Dan Rather, who stopped anchoring the evening news in 2005, announces his retirement from CBS after a career spanning 44 years and several galaxies. Explaining his decision, Rather cites a desire to ''explore other options'' and ``not keep getting maced by the CBS security guard.'' "

AUGUST

"As the situation in Lebanon deteriorates, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice warns that, if violence continues, the United States will have no choice but to dispatch Vice President Cheney to the region to hunt quail. Within minutes a cease-fire breaks out, with both sides agreeing to resume fire at a mutually convenient future date."

"Elsewhere in the War on Terror, the Bush administration suffers a setback when a federal judge in Michigan rules that U.S. authorities cannot call up suspected terrorists and try to get them to switch long-distance carriers."

NOVEMBER

". . . when Kerry's ''joke'' causes widespread outrage, prompting Kerry, with typical humility, to insist that it was obviously humorous, and anybody who disagrees is an idiot. Kerry is finally subdued by Democratic strategists armed with duct tape, but not before many political analysts see a tightening of the race to control Congress."

"(N)obody really knows what will happen as the voters go to the polls. In Florida, nobody knows anything even after the voting is over, because -- prepare to be shocked -- many electronic balloting machines malfunction. Voters in one district report that their machines, instead of displaying the candidates for Congress, showed Star Wars Episode IV. (By an overwhelming margin, this district elects Jabba the Hutt.)"

" (F)uture House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and future Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid issue a joint statement promising to ''make every effort to find common ground with the president,'' adding, ''we are clearly lying.'' Pelosi sets about the difficult task of trying to fill leadership posts with Democrats who have not been videotaped discussing bribes with federal undercover agents."

"The first major casualty of the GOP defeat is Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, who, the day after the election, is invited to go quail-hunting with the vice president. He is never seen again. As Rumsfeld's replacement, the president nominates -- in what is widely seen as a change in direction on Iraq -- Barbra Streisand."

DECEMBER

"New York City, having apparently solved all of its other problems, bans ''trans fats.'' Hours later, police surround a Burger King in Brooklyn and fire 57 bullets into a man suspected of carrying a concealed Whopper. The medical examiner's office, after a thorough investigation, concludes that the man ``definitely could have developed artery problems down the road.'' "

"As the year, finally, nears its conclusion, Americans turn their attention to the holiday season, which they celebrate -- as generations have before them -- by frantically overbidding on eBay for the Sony PlayStation 3, of which Sony, anticipating the near-homicidal level of demand, manufactured an estimated 11 units."

Well, that's it for 2006. Think how much more worse it would have been without Dave helping us to understand it. Thanks!

Meanwhile, look out 2007, Dave Barry is watching you!