HadesCorp 2008 Annual Report - CEO's Letter to Stockholders

(Not really, but if Hell really was a corporation, the CEO's letter might go something like this. This is really a post by Matthew Archbold on his humor blog Creative Minority Report. Screwtape couldn't have put it better.)

Satan: 2008 Was a Good Year For Me

Hi! Satan here. 2008 is gone and I'm quite frankly feeling a little sad about it. I don't expect sympathy but looking back at the past year I'm stunned how productive I was and how great things went. I haven't had this good of a year since...I can't remember when.

First, the American election couldn't have gone better. Barack Obama. Wow! One of the most religious countries (nominally anyway, heh heh) in the world just elected a guy who said he didn't want his daughter "punished with a baby." Folks, hehehe, Americans just elected a President who boasted that he would push for the killing of his own grandchild and nobody even cared. I mean, this guy bragged that he would lift any and all restrictions on abortions and America yawned. Now, I don't mean to get all Darth Vader here by my victory is just about complete. It's not the law I'm interested in. It's all those men and women who are going to find it so easy to procure an abortion even though they secretly know that it's wrong. That's where I really make my bones.

Then you got my girl Oprah doing her thing with The Secret and all my New Age garbage. Now, I'm not going to get into all the contracts I've got with her but boy is she useful. And as much as she does for me I can't help but keep messing with her by sending her authors who make up their books. I don't know. I just can't help it. You can't trust me. I even let my boy OJ go to jail.

And then there's the whole gay marriage thing. Yeah, you might consider that whole California referendum thing a defeat for me but is there really one of you who thinks that gay marriage isn't the next hot thing. I've successfully labeled it a "civil rights" issue and I'm using the "virtue" of compassion against religious people. I would say I love irony if I was capable of love but using compassion against religion was a master stroke.

But all in all, 2008 was a great year for me. I'll always look back fondly on it. We had the man who had a baby publicized like it was perfectly wonderful. China keeps blocking any UN resolutions to do any thing about Darfur and the world blusters on and on. Russia invaded Georgia and the world blustered some more. I've got Iran almost completing their nukes while the world stands by and blusters and blusters.

I made the Mets lose again on the last day of the season. I've done this three years in a row and each time their stupid fans are surprised. Priceless. And hey, pirates are back! That can't be underestimated. Those are my peeps! I've got Israel and Palestine at war. I essentially destroyed the reputation of the only pro-life candidate in the election this November in Sarah Palin. We mocked her every step of the way and muddied her reputation with the help of my friends in the media. What was she thinking having that Down's Syndrome baby? How did she not think that we had to destroy her. Does anybody realize what kind of example she could set if I let her rise to power?

So all in all 2008 was a very very good year. This recession has me a little worried about 2009. When things get bad, people have a tendency to do kind things for each other and help each other. I hate that. But all in all the wind was at my back in 2008. I'm going to miss it.