A Traddy womynpriest?

Not really. There is an explanation for this oxymoron. Mac McLernon decided to have a little bit of fun with the ridiculousness of those so-called womynpriests who are playing at being priests. & playing is the right word as there is no way in the Theological Place of Eternal Damnation that they ever could be validly ordained. (Although unless the repent & are reconciled with the Catholic Church that is where they have a good chance of ending up.) So she wrote a post, I Have Seen The Error Of My Ways..., in which she explains, with tongue firmly planted in cheek, why she feels called to be a Traddy womynpriest.

"Having seen these photos on the Curt Jester's excellent blog, I have been inspired. I feel sure that I am called and chosen... I have a vocation to the ordained priesthood. YES ! I want to become a womynpriest.

BUT... not just any old womynpriest. I like Latin, and snazzy vestments, and I believe in Tradition, and so I am totally convinced that I am called to be a Traddy womynpriest."

Naturally she realizes her doing so raises some practical questions that need answers. Fortunately Fr. John Zuhlsdorf (What Does the Prayer Really Say?) heard about her dilemma & shared with her from his fount of wisdom, with his tongue just as firmly planted in cheek. (QUAERITUR: advice for a wymynpryst wannabe ) [Questions in blue, Fr. Z's answers in red]

So, I have a few questions for my soon-to-be-fellow clerics:

(1) Should I remove my mantilla while being ordained to the Minor Order of exorcist?

[Perhaps the best solution here is to handle the mantilla much as the real cleric would handle the amice. When you play dress up ... er um… vest for not-Mass, do as a real priest does. Before putting on the amice, place the mantilla over your … hair… and then, avoiding contact with earrings, shift it down to the neck reciting the following: "Sapiens mulier aedificavit domum suam insipiens instructam quoque destruet manibus". For the Novus Ordo the mantilla should be left abased…. but they don’t have exorcists, do they… never mind. For the TLM, however, in respect for Paul’s injunction, it should then be brought back up over the hair and bound down under the amice.]

(2) Does anyone know whether buckled shoes are available with stiletto heels?

[WDTPRS doesn’t know. Sadly, there are a few clerics who would gladly help you find some. There are also issues of silk-stockings to be considered. But that must be left for another day.]

(3) What action should one take when a false nail falls into the chalice after the Consecration? (Ditto for false eyelashes!)

[For heaven’s sake! This should be clear from our first principles. Noobies! The false nail should be fished out, burned, and the ashes put down the sacrarium. The eyelash, if possible, should be consumed, but, alternatively, it can also be burned, etc. It is advised that the nails be of the proper liturgical color for the Mass of the day, or at least of the season. CAVEAT: false nails and eyelashes should only be used for the NO. In the TLM, a certain measure of old-fashioned decorum should be observed. In olden days simple-clerics and Latin priests were not allowed to have facial hair (in this case the false eyelashes would apply… if you get my drift) or rings, jewelry, other vanities (such as false-nails). This would pertain to those groovy clerics who build up their nails with super-glue and tissue in order to play the guitar. NB: If a nail is broken playing guitar during Mass, the guitar should immediately be burned and the ashes dumped unceremoniously outside somewhere.]

(4) Would a clerical tonsure remove the need to have my roots re-touched?

[Depending on the size of the tonsure, obviously! However, in the case of the small tonsure remember the caveat about the nails: proper liturgical colors, please.]

(5) How can one remove lipstick stains from a purificator?

[Silly woman! Consult the women who clean the linens in those places where Unnecessary Ministers of "the Cup" are distributing the Precious Blood at Communion, and don’t waste our valuable time here. Sheesh!]

(6) Are tie-dye stoles obligatory? (because I really prefer embroidered ones!)

(7) Is it permissible to knit when assisting in choir?

[Knit? The well-trained cleric answers these questions based on sound principles. For example, every priest knows that while it is not permissible to smoke while reciting one’s Office, it is certainly permissible to pray while smoking. Thus, the two activities can occur simultaneously. The same would apply to the consumption of gins-and-tonic or perhaps hors d’œuvre. Knitting would be covered by the same principle. However, there is another problem with knitting. It would make the proper handling of the biretta very awkward. Knitting in choir is therefore imprudent. And think of all that non-rubrical clacking – even when it isn’t Good Friday, the digging in the bag - and how does one carry the bag in procession? – , the counting, etc! Problems abound and multiply. WDTPRS says "No!", and rather firmly. Don’t knit in choir.]

I'm sure that there are plenty of issues which need clarification... feel free to add them to the com-box.

UPDATE: It just occurred to me… this "Seal of the Confessional" thing… it doesn’t actually apply to really juicy bits of gossip, does it? I mean, what else can one talk about at the monthly parish coffee-and-cake mornings??

[My recommendation is – and this might be repeated frequently – repetita iuvant after all – "Keep your mouth shut!". After all, the whole ordination is against nature itself, so why not take it the next logical step? As a help in this surely difficult enterprise, perhaps it would be good to meditate at length on the words the real... er um… the priest says during the incensation of the altar at a Missa cantata or Missa solemnis: Pone, Domine, custodiam ori meo, et ostium circumstantiae labiis meis: ut non declinet cor meum in verba malitiae, ad excusandas excusationes in peccatis. A lot to chew over there, ... in silence of course. When these and other rubrical fashion problems are burdensome, it is recommended to repeat, together over coffee if necessary, the Ephipany Introit: Dum medium silentium tenerent omnia, et nox in suo cursu edium iter haberet, omnipotens sermo tuus, Domine, de caelis a regalibus sedibus venit. Dominus regnavit, decorum indutus est: indutus est Dominius fortitudinem, et praecinxit se.]

& the help doesn't end there. In a comment to the post Fr Steven Fisher helped out with some of his own answers:

1. Since a woman may not speak in Church (as St Paul says) it will be necessary to say Mass sotto voce (including the sermon)

2. Lipstick must be the colour of the Mass being said. If there are commemorations then it would be fitting to add the colour that one would be wearing were one to be saying a votive Mass of the one being commemorated as a vertical stripe down the mouth.

3. The hair must be tied back (same rules as to colour as number 2)

4. You will have to put on about 6 stone to get the right look of a womanpriest...and age a bit as well.

5. Remember that everything must be sung in Latin at a traditional Mass. Thus "we shall overcome" is not acceptable. May I propose "evincemus, evincemus, aliquando diem evincemus". You can sing it in the 7th mode.

6. Don't be silly. Tie die stoles aren't mandatory; just tie die maniples.

Some of her other readers offered some helpful comments as well:

japhy:
Please remember that, after having consumed the Precious Body and Blood, and before performing the ablutions and purification of the sacred vessels, you must turn to one of the altar servers and ask if you have anything stuck in your teeth.

Calvin Klein make some excellent incense fragrances; "Obsession" and "Jealousy" come to mind.

As far as undergarments are concerned, I understand fiddleback bras are preferred to racerback bras.

Finally, for modesty's sake, you may want to consider courtseying instead of bowing!

Mary in CO:
Mac, #5 is a question only a sensitive womynpriest such as yourself would raise. Pondered it a while and realized: Colorstay lip gloss, of course! And the trendy Traddy womynpriest will wear seasonal colors: Ordinary Green, Purgation Purple, Royal Red, Rejoicing Rose, and "Why is this right?" White.

(She goes on to ask an excellent question)That photo had me wondering if the 3 womynpriests were ordained after a Vicar of Dibley marathon weekend?

Maybe, but at least everyone knew that show was ficticious as well as a comedy. These poncho ladies delusionally think they are seriously living in reality when they aren't.