The Heretic Whisperer

CAUTION: Some pictures may be too intense for the yout' of America. 1 picture may be too intense for anybody.)

The Catholic Caveman (aka Vir Speluncae Catholicus) has finally found something to occupy his time since his retirement from the Marine Corps. & in doing so, has found a way to deal with a problem that has plagued the Latin Rite of the Catholic Church for decades. Taking his cue from The Dog Whisperer, Ceasar Milan, he has become The Heretic Whisperer. In fact he has already received a very important endorsement from Fr. Erik Richtsteig. He calls it "one of his BEST IDEAS EVER!" This means Cavey can now proudly display the Fr. Richsteig, Heretic Hunter Seal of Approval in his advertising of his service. ( as shown below)

Benedictus, etc! Fr. Erik Richsteig - The Heretic Hunter

The Heretic Whisperer

Soon coming to basic cable

Those pesky heretics within The Church. Burning them at the stake works wonders... but that's sooooo 16th century. It's time for us to rehabilitate The Church by training the heretics among us.

And how exactly do we go about this? As we are rapidly approaching our second decade of the 21st century, we have to utilize 21st century methods. And that means getting in their heads.

When you go to Mass, dress like you are actually going into God's House... dress like you mean it, not like you're on your way to a beer bust at the beach.

Just your mere appearance in a coat and tie will discombobulate the Minister of Fawning when you first walk in. Bad Minister of Fawning! The Domino Effect will follow. You've just begun to get in their heads. Remember... establish dominance.

Again, if you're at a Novus Ordo Mass, invariably the choir will be practicing all the way up to the start of Mass. Bad Minister of Really Crappy Singing! Obviously, they've forgotten that prior to Mass is the time for contemplative prayer, not for croaking their way through I am the Wonder Bread of Life. Interrupt them by starting a Rosary. Don't worry if anyone get's pissed off at you. You have The Blessed Mother in your corner. Remember... establish dominance.

If you happen to be at a Novus Ordo Mass, kneel for Holy Communion. Nothing pisses off a heretic more than someone actually showing respect for The Eucharist. Bad Minister of the Pretend Priesthood/Poncho Lady! And it intimidates the hell out of 'em, as well. And they now know you mean business. Remember... establish dominance.

If none of the above works, roll up a copy of the Baltimore Catechism and SMACK 'EM HARD Right on the nose. Bad Heretic! A hardback copy if you can find one. Remember... establish dominance.

Sometimes, the old ways work best. There are those who may accuse you of being a caveman. Don't allow that to distract you. Show the world how up-to-date you can be. Trade in that faithful yet antiquated wooden club for an all-aluminum Louisville Slugger. Remember... establish dominance.

I have a parish here in DBQ he can start at. That alone should fill his 1st season's series of episodes. So, what cable network will it be on? EWTN?

(Photos of Vir Speluncae Catholicus courtesy The Catholic Caveman

Photo of Fr. Erik Richsteig courtesy Orthometer

Seal designed Allen J. Troupe c 2008 Used with my generous permission & permission to use it is freely extended to Cavey & Fr. Richsteig.

Note to Fr. R. The "Benedictus, etc! came from the ending of a letter from the late Archbishop James J. Byrne to a group I belonged to.)