An Awards Ceremony I Hope I Never See

The 2009 Apostasy Awards

"Good evening, everybody, and welcome back to the Spirit of Vatican II Academy Awards ceremony, live from the basement of the Unitarian Universalist Worship Center. I'm Joan Chittister." (audience applauds)

"And I'm Ray Bourgeois." (audience applauds, along with the screams and ululations of a large number of middle-aged women).

"Gee, Ray, sounds like your fan club is still going strong there!"

"Can you blame them?" (flashes smile, women swoon) "Well, Joan, it sure has been an exciting evening. Compelling liturgical dance numbers, synchronized reiki, a moving tribute to Marty Haugen, a surprise appearance by Bishop Tom Gumbleton..."

"...I'll say that was a surprise. I thought he had died! Just kidding, Tom!"
(audience laughs, Gumbleton smiles and wags a finger at Joan)

"And on top of all that, a Lifetime Achievement Award to Richard McBrien for his work in the media. It's been quite an evening."

"It sure has, Ray. And you know what? It's not over yet. We've one award left to hand out, and it's the biggie. The 2008 Sophia V2 Spirit Award for Political Influence And Impact."
(audience applauds)

"That's right, Joan, and here to present the Sophia V2 Spirit Award is last year's winner, Rev Tom Reese."

(Tom Reese strides to the podium)

"Good evening, everyone. It's my honor and privilege to announce the nominees for this year's Sophia V2 Spirit Award for Political Influence and Impact. The nominees are..."

(lights dim, projector lights up, and a picture of Nancy Pelosi from her Meet the Press appearance appears on the screen)

"...Nancy Pelosi, ardent Catholic and Speaker of the House of Representatives..."

(audience applauds, as image of Joe Biden appears on screen)

"...Joe Biden, Vice-President of the United States..."

(audience applauds as image of Doug Kmiec appears on screen)

"...and Doug Kmiec, Catholic advisor to President Obama and Catholic legal expert."

(audience applauds; Reese pulls out envelope as drum rolls commences)

"And the winner of the Sophia V2 Spirit Award goes to.....DOUG KMIEC!!!"

(audience applauds as Kmiec stands and makes his way to the stage)

"No surprise there, Joan. Some claim he was solely responsible for convincing 56% of voting Catholics to pull the lever for Obama, and he continues to stand firm for social justice issues to this day."

"I agree, Ray. He's the best friend progressive Catholics could wish for. He's still going strong, and it wouldn't surprise me one bit if he snags this award at next year's ceremony."

"And it's too bad he can't give his acceptance speech. We've run out of time as we promised the Unitarians we'd be out of here by 9 so that they can hold their weekly GLBT outreach meeting."

"Thanks for watching! For Joan Chittister, I'm Ray Bourgeois. Keep the spirit alive!"